How to Grieve Properly
The Art of Emotional Regulation
Every single person out there that has ever grieved has asked the same question, ‘when will the pain end?’. My mum had a wonderful quote, ‘Grief is just love that has nowhere to go.’
Through my experiences with grief, I have found that this is the truest advice. At first, I dismissed it. I was wrong. That is what it feels like. It feels like the ache of sorrow. A space that was once filled with love and a longing for it to be filled once more.
Contrary to the title, it is widely known amongst all that have grieved that there is no “proper” or “right” way to experience this emotion. However, we all seek the answer to that dreaded question. We look outside of ourselves for an answer. We find emptiness. The gap where that person used to be. Noticing the unforgiving continuation of beauty around us and society’s capitalistic nature. I write this as I sit at the grave of a 6-year-old girl. As an empath and mother, I dare only imagine the pain and heartache her mother has sitting in her heart space. This was a perfect example of the desire to retreat conflicted by the necessity to continue - to move on. This grave was decorated by siblings. A mother could not stop. She must grieve in motion. This is what had kept me going. Motherhood.
I had decided to write this piece as an answer to the question I googled many times, “how to grieve properly.” I wanted the pain to end. I had to continue for my 4-month old son. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Which meant, he couldn’t eat. I felt called to stroll this graveyard to recall my grief while writing this article and pay my respects to those past or forgotten. It was shocking the amount of tombs holding space for those over a century old. Further shocking, many laid to rest were younger than 60 years. My loss, I’m so grateful for, was not my child. It was my mother in her prime of 55 years. It dawned on me how common it was to lose someone so young. I had been through several other forms of grief prior, relatives, relationships, pets - none could compare. When she passed, I was just over a year into grieving the loss of my grandmother and a miscarriage. I was also experiencing severe post-natal depression and was in a dysfunctional relationship. However, grieving a parent hits differently. It’s grieving your safety. Your childhood. Those memories now sit with you, alone.
This is my guide on how I processed my grief while caring for my Self, my son and my family.
Pondering into the distance… “How do I portray my process and emotions?” It hit me. How beautiful are the trees, the flowers, the soft breeze lightly brushing my hair in the warm sunshine. Even this graveyard was a place of beauty. This was not how I reacted in the moment of reality smacking me in the face.
The grief was heavy on my chest. It had been for 3 days waiting to find out if my mum could survive a sudden collapse in the staff room kitchen that Friday afternoon. She couldn’t be saved. Life support was futile. In a room full of people, I collapsed and screamed.
The Stages
According to Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of grief identified that are common amongst a sample test group. This means that through percentage of likelihood from the test group, they assign or liken this to a percentage likelihood in the population. This is explained to indicate you may not experience all or any of these stages. The stages are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Psychology portrays these stages in a sequential fashion but notes the experience is not. However, this doesn’t help those suffering in the moment. This is not a step-by-step process that can be experienced one after the other. For example, I personally did not experience bargaining. Through my own experience, I was constantly in a state of acceptance. Be that as it may, I was still angry and depressed. Even in the initial stages, I knew my mum would be okay. I just didn’t know what that meant, I suppose some may see that as denial.
What resonates with me specifically would be The Buddhist and Yogi teachings regarding emotions. As a highly observant person, this sits with a great deal of logic to me. The Buddhist teachings liken all aspects of life and the Self (the different bodies) to the elements.
Air = Thoughts or Thinking Body
Water = Emotions or Emotional Body
Fire = Energetic Body
Earth = Physical Body
Ether = Spiritual Body
Water is described as fluid, adaptable, connecting and powerful. They liken the movement of emotions to the flow of natural bodies of water. Like a body of water, an emotion arises (rapidly or slowly) within us, it moves through us, can rest in places in our body (such as tension headaches from stress) and pass when allowed. Grief is just that. An accumulation of emotions held in place by a dam-like structure. Water, with enough pressure, can make ways through any material over time. A leak turns into a large hole, which may result in collapse. It is a powerful and persistent element.
Imagine standing at the top of the wall of a dam. The water within the dam are your emotions. The wind blows and begins to create waves in the water. The wind is likened to your thoughts. Your thoughts are triggered by a memory, a smell, a wish or a longing. Every wave crashing against the dam wall you stand on, wets your feet. The water is ice cold and painful. As the waves become larger, the water splashed more of your body - causing you pain.
The pain becomes addictive. It is a reminder of the love and connection you once had. The energy and power of this love and pain draws you in. I wished to sit in it. I wanted to lay in bed for days. It made me feel as though she weren’t gone yet. Like my grief was keeping her memory alive. Before you know it, you are head under water body surfing these waves of emotion because we are craving the love of the place left empty within us.
What must you do? A dam engineer releases the pressure out of the dam wall to ensure it does not overflow or collapse destroying what is on the other side of the wall.
Allow yourself to moderate the pain. Release measurable bursts of that emotion as you need. Be kind to yourself. When you feel the wave of grief coming into your awareness. Notice it. Do not dismiss it. These emotions are a part of you. They want to be heard and felt. You wouldn’t ignore your best friend seeking support from you in grief. Would you?
Timers
Find a spot, put a timer on (I used to do 10 minutes) and cry. Let yourself feel the anger, the resentment, the envy or the victimhood. Laying face down on the grass was a personal favourite. Get some grounding in. Once the timer goes, it’s time to get up. Keep going.
Talk about Them
I love talking about my mum. She was the best person in the world and everyone should know that. It is so hard at the start. 3 years on, it is easy. Normalise it again for yourself.
Texting
The biggest thing creating that void is the lack of presence in your life. I found it therapeutic to text my mum or do the action of texting in notes etc. It was removed enough that it didn’t feel as confronting as talking to her.
Journalling
Journalling is a very healthy way to release the shame, guilt, secrets that you hold within. These are the things that build the dam wall and hold the grief still. I used to worry that writing things down would make them true or manifest them. A friend of mine told me, by holding them within and worrying that releasing them would manifest them. That is what is manifesting them.
Write about them. Write about your memories and their stories. It’s very therapeutic.
Purpose
My purpose was my son. Your purpose might be a pet that needs attention or love. It might be a project at work. A new garden to tend to. Assign purpose to yourself to fulfil the lack you are experiencing. Something new or at least to hold your focus.
Healthy Distractions
Distractions are something I’ve argued for and against in grief being a Yogi. When the emotions felt unbearable and I didn’t want to cry any longer. There was no shame in watching a trashy comedy. A healthier distraction would be going for a walk or laying in the sun. But sometimes we just want to drown out the thoughts. Throw plates on the ground. Smash a stick on the ground on the bush walk. Take up archery. Get into abstract art, I did. It’s just smearing paint on a canvas.
You’ll note that I did not tell you to rely on a support person or a psychologist. They are important, however, they cannot help you. When you need help. When it’s too much. When it hurts. When you hate everything. No one is there. Except you. Support and therapy are incredibly important, however, you must be there for you. You are the only one who can understand your emotions completely. Others can only try. A psychologists duty is to assist in cultivating a level of self awareness and realisation. The rest is up to you.
Skeeter Davis sang it best in her beautiful song The End of the World. Man, this song was gut wrenching for years. But it’s fantastic. See, Skeeter was singing about the loss of a relationship. Which is another form of grief. The loss of an idea no longer within reach. But when the sun goes on shining, the birds keep on chirping, the earth keeps on spinning and you have lost what feels like your entire world, it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Do not hide in shame. Empower yourself to feel and embrace the show of emotion.
I guarantee you, one day, the memories begin to turn from pain to happiness again. There is no measurable amount of time that this happens in. We are all different. We have all experienced different forms of environmental upbringings that form our opinions and processes. Letting yourself feel allows you to turn the grief back into love. The love for what you once had and how magical it was for the journey.
